From the time I was pregnant and started showing I've felt self conscious and a need to explain my whole life story to whoever was around. Which is interesting because I don't remember feeling the same way when I got married. When I went to try on wedding dresses another group of women came over to me as I was admiring myself in the mirror and asked me my age. When I told them I was nineteen they told me I was very young for getting married. I smiled and told them that maybe nineteen was very young to get married and then ended the conversation by turning back to my mirror. This same experience played out about 10 more times with everybody from my hairdresser to my classmates before I finally got married in July 2011. I never felt embarrassed. I knew I wanted to marry John and I knew I wanted to marry him at 19 end of story. But being pregnant and then having a baby took a huge toll on my self esteem. In my mind it was almost like getting married young made me mature but having children at a young age made me irresponsible.
As I'm sure any mother would be happy to tell you, postpartum sucks. Your stomach is deflated and squishy and you still don't fit into your pants correctly. You're not showering everyday because who has the time for that? You have to function on as little as two hours of sleep for what seems like an eternity and are ravenously hungry all the time because your body is trying to create food for another living human. (Sorry but this is going to get graphic...) Your breasts are rock hard and when they aren't leaking milk they're bleeding. You fear going to the bathroom. Your bum hurts so bad you think you might be having another baby. And just when you start to feel better you realize all your hair is falling out... and oh did I forget to mention....? Your jeans still won't fit.
Maybe I'm crazy and more mothers have had a beautiful experience where they feel empowered by their motherhood but I think for the first few months all I felt was ugly. And maybe sleepy too. I bring this up to set the background for a facebook post I read a few months ago. Basically a "friend" asked why so many people she knew were getting married and having babies so young. Weren't they sex educated? Didn't they know where to get and how to use birth control? And then I was suddenly bombarded again by that feeling of embarrassment that I hadn't experienced since I was pregnant. Except this time it was magnified times ten. This was how the rest of the world viewed me. As some irresponsible, stupid girl who had never heard of birth control. It was awful.
Since then I have thought about why am a young mother. Why I chose to get married so young and have kids at a time when my peers are graduating from college and travelling. Everyday I see pictures on facebook that show my friends at parties, in foreign countries, dancing, laughing, out at restaurants. I see posts about their stressful jobs and busy school schedules. And I ask myself why. On a bad day the answer will sound something like: I was silly and spontaneous and didn't know what I was getting myself into.
But the truth is...
I never would have enjoyed dancing or parties. Not only am I a wallflower but a terrible dancer. Nora was our first dance instructor and it wasn't until we had her that John and I enjoyed dance parties. (At home with the blinds closed of course.)
Going to restaurants is fun, but cooking is more fun. Before I got married I was not a cook. Having the responsibility to feed a family taught me skills like budgeting, menu planning, and of course cooking. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do. I had a good time using my disposable income to eat out when I was working. But having a new creative outlet is a real blessing for me.
I never would have enjoyed travel. Again, I think I'm too shy to put myself out there and get a really great tourist experience. John has travelled many places and he is the one that teaches me to let loose, to talk with people, and to try new things. I never would be able to leave my comfort zone without him and I look forward to traveling with him. And actually, I doubt there is anything as novel as watching a brand new human person discover the world. I will never get over how cool it is to be Nora's "tour guide."
I hated school. I hated just about every second of it. I went to college because it was something that was expected - not because I wanted to. Now that my life is so much more complicated and John and I have to earn the money that will pay for school it means so much more to me. Education is important now because it will provide a way for me to have a career that can support my family if need be. Going back to school means learning things that I can eventually teach Nora.
I'm not saying that for these reasons everybody should become a mom by twenty. I'm just saying that for me personally, I'm happy to be a full-time wife and mother so young because I realize now that this was the happiest path for me to take. I shouldn't be jealous of my friends' lives on facebook because realistically - I would hate their lives. This was the best fit for me. So why did I choose to get married so young and have kids? Because I loved John and I wanted us to start our lives together. I didn't realize at the time that our lives would include the cutest little girl in the world so quickly, but I'm happy they did. So if you ever see a young mom having a bad day at the store corralling her kid(s), reject the thoughts that she probably shouldn't have had kids so young, or that she was unprepared, or that she would have been happier if she had gotten a career and was working and remind her of the joy she has in her life right now. Congratulate her on her adorable child.
Maybe this is a weird post but I felt like I needed to write about this because it has been on my mind for so long. Anyway the point is: Don't feel sorry for me. I'm in freaking bliss.
