To Nora

I was introduced to Charles Ives in my High School Music Theory class. We sat in a kind of gross storage room just outside the choir room that sat the six of us. We spent most of our talking about Sarah Palin or gossiping about our teachers. I honestly didn't learn a whole lot in that class about music theory (that was my own fault) but if all I took away was Charles Ives, than that class was still worth while. We listened to a recording of Variations on America (1891) which is also known as his 4th of July Symphony. If you listen to it, especially the last two minutes of it you will realize why as a teenager I thought it was wild crazy awesome. For the last couple of years I listened to other works of his and have a soft spot for his art songs. He's like a happier, more sentimental, less surreal Ned Rorum. And when I became pregnant with Nora and listened to the songs he wrote for his daughter, they touched my heart.

"To Edith" is a song he wrote for his adopted daughter Edith. The words were actually written by his wife Harmony and Ives put it to music. Not everyday here is smiles and kisses but this song encompasses the best part of parenthood. In the video they give a more detailed background for the song. The music begins at 1:10 and don't worry if by the end of this there is a swelling in your chest and a few tears at the corners of your eye - that's totally normal.

So like a flower,
thy little four year face in its pure freshness
That to my bedside comes each morn
in happy guise - I must be smiling too.
O, little flower-like face that comes to me,
each morn for kisses -
Bend thou near me while I inhale its fragrance sweet
and put a blessing there.

Thank yous and Pumpkin Station

Thank you to everybody who commented on my last post. I was trying to figure out how to write this without sounding cheesy but I couldn't... So get ready, here comes the dairyfest. I love you guys for taking the time to watch me and then taking more time to comment. I wish I could devote entire posts to each one of you and the individual talents you have that I admire but I think I might use up my word limit and reveal my inner creeper/people watcher. But it really did mean a lot to me. I realize the song is far from perfect. And the more I listen to my recordings the more things I hear wrong but that's what recordings are for right? So thank you thank you thank you!

So, since this blog isn't just about me - John is liking his classes. He's taking Artificial Intelligence and Computer Architecture. I like watching him do homework sometimes because he will just sit there and think for a while. He has this face that is so John. I can't describe it well but John's eyebrows will furrow and his eyes will fixate on a certain point and I swear that he can stay in the same spot sitting indian style and thinking for hours (intermittently reading). It's pretty amazing. Then out of nowhere he'll return from whatever realm he was in and talk to me about what he's learned from his trip to the beyond.

Work is okay but it's the Navy and we both don't care for it. I feel like his mom when he goes to work. I fear that his shipmates are being a bad influence and that they aren't feeding him well enough and keeping him up too late. John doesn't like the Navy because the job he signed up for isn't really the job he is doing, he doesn't have any of the resources to do his job, nobody else wants to do their job, and the whole place is a dirty grey prison on water where "rec time" is PT. But to focus on our blessings...

 

Nora is amazing. She's beautiful and happy and smart and a total wild thing. I used to think while I was pregnant that John and I would have a quiet child who was like us and liked to sit and read. Nora does love to read I guess but she is nothing like I thought I wanted and I'm so happy about it. She is a climber and a runner and she is so social. If you give her the smallest bit of attention she'll return it with smiles and giggles and hugs. When she is angry she is angry and I am still trying to get used to that side of her, but her wide range of emotions keeps things interesting. To celebrate fall last week we took her to "Pumpkin Station."

True to Nora's style, she would only try to pet/chase the goats that were running away from her and not the docile ones that were sitting and eating hay.

 

For some reason the dump truck was her favorite. 

She also went down the giant inflatable slide and climbed haystack mountains. It's a hard thing to wear her out but we succeeded! After all was said and done she came and crashed in front of the tv with us and snuck some popcorn.  

 Yes I know, we spoil her.

I Am The Neighbor You Hate

I've been away from school and voice lessons for about a year and a half and it's been rough. I've been trying to keep up my chops and I really feel like despite being away Heavenly Father has blessed with a will to practice and a desire to get better. I'm actually really proud of my progress. So that's one part of why I wanted to post this video. The other reason is that I have had a really difficult time performing. I get so nervous and I feel like I can never show who the real singer inside of me is. (Wow that is so cheesy) So what better way to overcome your nerves than performing in front of the people you admire and respect most! (Oh my goodness what am I doing?) This song is a work in progress and I will be singing it for my audition recording. I would love some feedback from you classical music buffs. The beginning is flawed. I was having a hard time figuring out how long to take before I came in. But if you have any tips or suggestions I would love to know! This is me laying it all out there. This is the dream you have when you accidentally go to school naked. (I'm not even wearing make-up in this video guys! yikes).

Summer

I can't believe it's August already! And mid-August at that. I feel like this summer has been such a blur. John and I have had lots of fun trying new things and being new places. Last weekend we went hiking up in Mission Gorge with another couple from John's ship. I had so much fun! I told John that it reminded me of home. San Diego goes to a lot of trouble to make itself look tropical but underneath all of the palm trees it is still high desert just like El Paso.

John on the other hand may not have had as much fun. He was responsible for carrying Nora two miles each way on his back. Haha Sorry John! But he was a good sport about it. This weekend we're going camping and we are very excited! This will be our last hurrah before I start school on the 19th.

I decided to finally take the plunge and register at our local community college. I want to get into San Diego State's Music program next fall but SDSU is pretty competitive since it is the only affordable University in town and because almost all of their transfers are guaranteed acceptees from the local community college system. To be honest SDSU is the only place I can apply because it is the only University that wouldn't put us in debt for the rest of our lives and is local. Their transfer requirements are pretty extensive since they have so many applying transfers. Which is why I decided to take community college classes to meet every requirement that I currently lack and give me the best possible chance of getting accepted.

This is kind my hail mary guys. After three years of college, six semesters of voice, six semesters of choir, three semesters of theory, two semesters of diction, aural skills, juries, and performances will kind of be thrown out the window. They will not transfer. These courses that I've already taken can only be waived by a single audition that will last roughly seven minutes, a theory placement exam, and a piano placement exam. So basically if I totally biff it on my audition I could be turned into the twenty-one year old freshman. I realize that it's unlikely to happen but it is a possibility. And let's say I ace the audition, that doesn't mean I'll be accepted to the University. I've done this before when I transferred to UTEP, but at that point I had only done a year of college and had very little to lose. Now, it feels like I have so much to lose - my dignity probably being number one on the list.

But one day I just woke up, realized that I was going to be here for three years anyway and that if I wanted it I should just try and do it. I can apply and audition this October and I'll receive an answer by March. In the mean time, I will be taking three classes at the CC next week and I will be leaving Nora with another mother admire in the ward very much. So, prayers would be much appreciated.

I will be especially sad to say goodbye to Nora for a few hours a week. I will still spend the majority of my time with her but it is still hard to think about not being with her 24/7. And even harder thinking about maybe doing school full time next fall. Lately Nora has been blossoming into this sweet little girl. She's not a baby anymore and all the things we have been working on for weeks - words, signs, names, games - are finally being realized. She finally understands what's going on and I can actually communicate with her. It's amazing! So, to hand the job over to someone else, even if only for a little while, will be difficult.

Isn't she so big?!

Yesterday we caught her watering the plants with her sippy cup

And today she was trying to feed her teddy bear pasta. She is the sweetest little girl! I think even John is slowly becoming wrapped around one of her tiny tiny fingers.

A Month of Firsts

 This month has been a lot of fun. And this last week especially has been whirlwind of a events. Two Saturdays ago Nora went to her first birthday party. She had a blast and so did we! Here she is gobbling up birthday cake after attending her first Pool Party.

 We also got a box from Grandma that included a new dress and lots of books. She spent an hour handing me one book after another, asking me to read them. She was in book heaven.

Nora's birthday was also this month and we celebrated last Saturday. While I was running around making food and decorating this is what John and Nora were doing. I managed to snap a few shots and laugh at Nora's squealing but it was very stressful! I'm not sure why I was stressed but I guess any time you try to do something new there's going to be some level of fear, right?

Nora had a great time though and she loved playing with her friends and eating her 2nd cupcake. (This one was way messier then the first.) So I would definitely call it a success.

So after a bath we threw her in her crib with the leftover balloons and let her go crazy. She loved it! And it bought us a lot of cleaning time. 

Over the weekend I also managed to hit my first softball at our local batting cages (woo hoo), have my first taste of octopus (this place is the best!), and boulder my first time over the ledge at our climbing gym! I'm a weakling so that last one was sort of a big deal.

And today will be our first anniversary spent together. Last year John was in Pensacola and I was at home in El Paso with a four-day old baby. I am so blessed to be married to him and to have a family that I love being with. These last two years have probably been the most difficult and happiest years of my life. So John and Nora, here's to eternity.

Why I'm a Happy "Young" Mom

Being a young mom is something I think about a lot.

From the time I was pregnant and started showing I've felt self conscious and a need to explain my whole life story to whoever was around. Which is interesting because I don't remember feeling the same way when I got married. When I went to try on wedding dresses another group of women came over to me as I was admiring myself in the mirror and asked me my age. When I told them I was nineteen they told me I was very young for getting married. I smiled and told them that maybe nineteen was very young to get married and then ended the conversation by turning back to my mirror. This same experience played out about 10 more times with everybody from my hairdresser to my classmates before I finally got married in July 2011. I never felt embarrassed. I knew I wanted to marry John and I knew I wanted to marry him at 19 end of story. But being pregnant and then having a baby took a huge toll on my self esteem. In my mind it was almost like getting married young made me mature but having children at a young age made me irresponsible.

As I'm sure any mother would be happy to tell you, postpartum sucks. Your stomach is deflated and squishy and you still don't fit into your pants correctly. You're not showering everyday because who has the time for that? You have to function on as little as two hours of sleep for what seems like an eternity and are ravenously hungry all the time because your body is trying to create food for another living human. (Sorry but this is going to get graphic...) Your breasts are rock hard and when they aren't leaking milk they're bleeding. You fear going to the bathroom. Your bum hurts so bad you think you might be having another baby. And just when you start to feel better you realize all your hair is falling out... and oh did I forget to mention....? Your jeans still won't fit.

Maybe I'm crazy and more mothers have had a beautiful experience where they feel empowered by their motherhood but I think for the first few months all I felt was ugly. And maybe sleepy too. I bring this up to set the background for a facebook post I read a few months ago. Basically a "friend" asked why so many people she knew were getting married and having babies so young. Weren't they sex educated? Didn't they know where to get and how to use birth control? And then I was suddenly bombarded again by that feeling of embarrassment that I hadn't experienced since I was pregnant. Except this time it was magnified times ten. This was how the rest of the world viewed me. As some irresponsible, stupid girl who had never heard of birth control. It was awful.

Since then I have thought about why am a young mother. Why I chose to get married so young and have kids at a time when my peers are graduating from college and travelling. Everyday I see pictures on facebook that show my friends at parties, in foreign countries, dancing, laughing, out at restaurants. I see posts about their stressful jobs and busy school schedules. And I ask myself why. On a bad day the answer will sound something like: I was silly and spontaneous and didn't know what I was getting myself into.

But the truth is...

I never would have enjoyed dancing or parties. Not only am I a wallflower but a terrible dancer. Nora was our first dance instructor and it wasn't until we had her that John and I enjoyed dance parties. (At home with the blinds closed of course.)

Going to restaurants is fun, but cooking is more fun. Before I got married I was not a cook. Having the responsibility to feed a family taught me skills like budgeting, menu planning,  and of course cooking. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do. I had a good time using my disposable income to eat out when I was working. But having a new creative outlet is a real blessing for me. 

I never would have enjoyed travel. Again, I think I'm too shy to put myself out there and get a really  great tourist experience. John has travelled many places and he is the one that teaches me to let loose, to talk with people, and to try new things. I never would be able to leave my comfort zone without him and I look forward to traveling with him. And actually, I doubt there is anything as novel as watching a brand new human person discover the world. I will never get over how cool it is to be Nora's "tour guide."

I hated school. I hated just about every second of it. I went to college because it was something that was expected - not because I wanted to. Now that my life is so much more complicated and John and I have to earn the money that will pay for school it means so much more to me. Education is important now because it will provide a way for me to have a career that can support my family if need be. Going back to school means learning things that I can eventually teach Nora.

I'm not saying that for these reasons everybody should become a mom by twenty. I'm just saying that for me personally, I'm happy to be a full-time wife and mother so young because I realize now that this was the happiest path for me to take. I shouldn't be jealous of my friends' lives on facebook because realistically - I would hate their lives. This was the best fit for me. So why did I choose to get married so young and have kids? Because I loved John and I wanted us to start our lives together. I didn't realize at the time that our lives would include the cutest little girl in the world so quickly, but I'm happy they did.  So if you ever see a young mom having a bad day at the store corralling her kid(s), reject the thoughts that she probably shouldn't have had kids so young, or that she was unprepared, or that she would have been happier if she had gotten a career and was working and remind her of the joy she has in her life right now. Congratulate her on her adorable child.

Maybe this is a weird post but I felt like I needed to write about this because it has been on my mind for so long. Anyway the point is: Don't feel sorry for me. I'm in freaking bliss.

Wisconsin

We are out of Florida and very happy! John graduated from C school last Thursday morning. On Wednesday we went to have our breaks serviced at the Subaru Dealership and they told us that our head gaskets were leaking and when we told them that were going to drive to California they were concerned that we might be stranded in the middle of the desert. After telling us that it would $3,000+ for the repair we left the dealership pretty disheartened. John called his Dad to get his opinion and his Dad offered his help fixing it if we drove up to Wisconsin. And so even though we had entirely planned our trip already we decided to say to heck with all of it and drive to Wisconsin. We decided to drive to John's parents' house around 4:00pm on Saturday and managed to clean and throw everything left that we own in the Subaru and leave by 7:30pm. We made it to Nashville that night and to Hubertus by 10:00pm on Friday night. It was crazy but I think it was a really great experience for us as a family.

On our way through Illinois we needed to stop to get food and nurse Nora and for some reason thought it would be a good idea to stop in Chicago. Since the movers came earlier that week, we thought we were still just driving straight to San Diego, so I only packed flip flops and a light sweater and Nora didn't have clothes that were any warmer. (We were both freezing and my joints had been aching for hours and hours). So when we got to Chicago it was snowing and we couldn't find any parking. After finding a street with restaurants we circled around a few times until we finally found a spot and I ran inside the restaurant with Nora in a blanket while John paid the box for parking. He was taking a while so I ran back out to find John speaking to a police officer. Apparently we had parked next to a fire hydrant even though the sign next to our car said that it was a parking spot. He was about to write us a $150 citation before I gave him our sob story about how we were trying to get food on our way to Wisconsin and couldn't find any parking and had never been to Chicago before. Lucky for us he was a VERY nice guy and told us to just find some other place to park. We tried getting back on the highway and got lost more than a few times before finally getting back on track. Traffic was ridiculous! And Chicago drivers were terrifying. No signals, no spacial awareness, and no manners. We almost died a few times. When we finally got out of Chicago we needed to get to Milwaukee and accidentally drove onto a Tollway. We had no cash and the teller gave us some serious sass when we told her this. Luckily you can pay it online. We took the first exit, found some cute little villages in Illinois and stopped at the first mcdonalds we could find. This whole frustrating last leg of our journey was made much better by a mcdonalds strawberry cream pie.

Lately I have been making an effort to change how I treat Nora and John when I am under stress. I notice I have a little more bite when I am stressed out and I think that  it is pretty typical for married couples to bicker when both of them are stressed. But this experience was a good way to practice being there for John instead of blaming him when neither of us really had any control over a bad situation. In the drive-thru of the McDonalds after feeling really stressed and cold and hungry and tired, we talked about how nice it was going to be getting to sleep in a warm bed and eat some of his mom's delicious food and then we hugged and kissed and everything was all better.

Being in Wisconsin is just what our family needed. Nora has so many cousins to play with and I have never seen her so happy. John has been enjoying working on the car with his Dad - something he finds challenging and exciting. By the way our entire engine is now sitting next to our Subaru :o And I'm loving getting time to do things like - eat breakfast uninterrupted and take a shower without worrying if Nora is screaming her head off.  Also there have been no disgusting bugs the size of my hand, no screaming neighbors, no swampy smelly air, no rain, and no Florida! I do feel bad for disappointing my family and friends who thought we would be driving through Texas and Arizona this week, but I still think we made the right decision. I never thought in my life I would ever say I'm in love with rural Wisconsin but... I'm in love with rural Wisconsin.